Have you ever walked away from an argument feeling worse than when it started? What you say during heated moments can dramatically impact your relationships. Emotional intelligence – our ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions – becomes especially crucial during conflicts. Today, I’ll share the 7 words emotionally intelligent people deliberately avoid during arguments, backed by psychological research and practical alternatives.
The psychology behind damaging language
When we argue, our brain’s amygdala – the emotional center – can override our rational thinking. “The words we choose during conflicts can either escalate tensions or create pathways to resolution,” explains Dr. Daniel Goleman, who popularized emotional intelligence in the 1990s. Like a thermostat for conflict, emotionally intelligent people carefully regulate their language to maintain connection even during disagreements.
Never say “always” or “never”
These absolute terms represent the first two words emotionally intelligent people avoid. When you tell someone they “always” mess up or “never” listen, you’re making a sweeping generalization that immediately triggers defensiveness. Instead, focus on the specific situation at hand: “I felt unheard when we discussed the budget yesterday.” This approach addresses the actual issue without attacking the person’s character.
Eliminate “should” from arguments
This single word carries implicit judgment. Telling someone they “should” have done something differently creates shame responses rather than opening pathways to resolution. Try replacing it with “I wonder if” or “What about,” which invites collaboration rather than dictating behavior. Like switching from pushing against someone to walking alongside them, this subtle shift changes the entire dynamic.
Why “but” undermines everything
When you say, “I understand, but…” everything before the “but” gets mentally discarded. This negates any empathy you’ve expressed. Emotionally intelligent people replace “but” with “and,” creating space for multiple perspectives: “I understand your deadline concerns, and I’m wondering how we can meet quality standards too.”
The silent damage of “whatever”
This dismissive term signals disengagement and contempt – which Dr. John Gottman identifies as the most destructive emotion in relationships. When you feel tempted to say “whatever,” recognize it as a warning that you’re experiencing emotional flooding and might need a brief pause to regain perspective.
Alternative phrases that build connection
Instead of damaging words, emotionally intelligent people use phrases that maintain connection:
- “I notice I’m feeling…” (self-awareness)
- “I’m curious about your perspective…” (empathy)
- “What if we tried…” (solution-focused)
- “Can we take a moment?” (emotional regulation)
Developing your emotional vocabulary
Expanding your emotional vocabulary creates more options than just “angry” or “upset.” People with higher emotional intelligence can differentiate between feeling disappointed, frustrated, concerned, or overwhelmed. This nuanced awareness allows for more precise communication during conflicts.
“The words we choose become the emotional architecture of our relationships. During arguments, this architecture is tested most severely,” notes psychology researcher Dr. Brené Brown.
How might your next disagreement transform if you consciously eliminated these seven words? Like a skilled conductor leading musicians through a difficult passage, your emotional intelligence can guide conversations toward harmony rather than discord, one carefully chosen word at a time.